Letting Someone In

We are constantly meeting new people, whether it be through work, mutual friends, waiting rooms, chipotle, on line at the movies, there are people all around just waiting for a connection with another person. It doesn’t always need to be romantic, sometimes we’re hoping for a new friend to come into our lives, someone who will understand parts of us that others never took the time to notice. This is actually a part of life that I love, never knowing if today will be the day you meet someone new and wonder how it is you ever made it through life without them. It is the next part where I always hit a brick wall.. 

I am really good at getting people to open up, I am not bragging, I just genuinely want to know every single aspect of your life and most people can see that. I swear I’m not being nosy, I just want to know what makes you happy and what will always break your heart. I want to know what your favorite present growing up was or who was lucky enough to share your first kiss. When you picture yourself old and gray are you happy with what you see or worried for what you can’t picture yet? Do you adore your parents and what have your siblings taught you about love? When you are sick what do you crave and when you are lonely which movie do you put on? When was the last time you were really mad and how did it feel the last time you were alone and cried without anyone to hear you? I want to know all of you because we may have just met, we may never see each other again, but a part of my heart already loves you.

Then why is it so difficult for me to answer those same questions? Why, when asked, do I look to the floor, bite my lip, or play with my hands? I know I need to change and I have been actively pursuing a life that is open, open to friendship, open to love, open to hope; that is why I am here, but I am not there yet. I find it easy to write what I am feeling, what I am thinking, but to say the words out loud to another person, I find myself choking on them. Every time I try to share a piece of myself it literally feels as if I am giving this person a piece of who I am; and I know that if I stopped playing with my hands or looking at the floor, I would be able to look up and say, "Please stay, too many have left before you. I gave them pieces of myself and I never got them back. If you promise not to leave, I can give you a piece too.“

Today I will try to be better, I will try to put my hands calmly in my lap and raise my head. Today if you ask, I will tell you about the boy who broke my heart and the memories that will always make me smile. I will tell you about my family and how they have made me who I am, I will tell you about my dreams and what I still hope to one day accomplish. Today I will try to be better, just please be patient, for I am giving you a piece of me.