If You Are Not Obsessed With Your Life, Change It

I recently had to make a difficult decision, one I genuinely wasn’t expecting to make anytime in my near future, but as always, life has a different plan for us. I decided to close my business, and I would be lying if I said I fully understood how I feel about that decision.

Anyone who has known me for some time, knows that it has always been a dream of mine to own my own bakery. This is the main reason why I signed my name on the dotted line when the opportunity presented itself. I knew that in doing so, I would spend more hours than ever before working towards owning the type of business I would be proud to call my own. In that aspect, I succeeded more than I ever dreamed of. I worried that I would have to spend so much time working that I would miss out on some of the fun in my life, and while I wasn’t thrilled by that, I was willing to make a few sacrifices if it meant that I could hold onto my dream just a little bit longer.

What I never expected was to lose a part of myself in the process, and sacrifice more than I was willing to give. Every time I stayed at work late and missed another school event my younger cousins participated in, I was sacrificing my relationship with them. Every time I chose to stay in and sleep instead of going to dinner with my friends, I was sacrificing my relationship with them. Every time I chose to let the financial stress of the business make me bitter, my family would be the ones to feel it the most, and in doing so, I was sacrificing my relationship with them. Worst of all, every time I took the rare paycheck I would receive to purchase more supplies for the business instead of what I needed, I was sacrificing my relationship with myself. I reached the point where I felt I had nothing left to sacrifice, nothing left to give this dream of mine.

So I made the decision to close, like I said earlier, I’m still not sure how I feel about that decision. I know that it is the right choice for my mental, emotional, and physical health. I know that it is the right choice if I hope to never lose the people in my life that I love tremendously, including myself. I also know, that in making this decision, I can now embrace the freedom of not knowing what the next stage of my life is. However I also know, that I can’t talk about any of this without crying, without feeling if only in the slightest bit that I somehow failed, and without feeling as if my heart is breaking for the dream I once hoped for. I know I am lucky to have accomplished as much as I have, but that doesn’t soften the pain of letting it go - the same as knowing you have been lucky to love someone, but the pain of letting them go stays with you. This was my relationship for the past seven years, there was truly nothing more that I put more effort into, and now it’s time to let it go.

I don’t know what is coming next, which is scary and admittedly exciting. It’s a fresh start, a time to work towards another dream. I am very lucky, in that I have so many dreams that I hope to one day accomplish. I am sure as time goes on, I will be forced to examine more on how I feel about this topic but as of right now, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that I will soon gain back all that I have sacrificed, including myself. - And dear friend reading this, (we are friends now, I hope you know that) my hope for you is when you reach a point in your life, a point where something or someone no longer makes your heart happy, that you will let it go. That you will always choose to love yourself above it all, and that you will stay hopeful for what the future can bring.