I Really Miss You.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why it’s so hard for me to believe that people mean it when they say they miss me. Just admitting that makes me feel so uncomfortable, but it’s true. I moved away for four years, which I know was not a very long period of time, but it was long enough to miss the people from where I lived, and meet new people along the way. So many conversations I had during those years, and continue to have now started or ended with “I miss you.” In the beginning I heard it mainly from my family and I remember almost dismissing it, thinking it was what they were supposed to say. I moved again, and again, having different groups of people saying the same words to me, and I still haven’t really been hearing them. That is until the other night, I was chatting with my friend Taylor, a woman I love deeply, she’s genuine, compassionate, attentive, intelligent, and absolutely hilarious, she’s someone that really makes you feel her love. At the end of our conversation, after everything we wanted to say to each other was said, she added “Really miss you a lot.” So simple, but for the first time I really allowed myself to hear it. I became overwhelmed by how much I missed her as well and when I thought about all of the things that I missed about her, her hugs being at the very top of the list, I became aware that maybe she was actually feeling the same thing about me. She wasn’t saying she missed me just because it’s what people say, she said it because she meant it. I instantly started crying because for the first time I let myself really feel it, and then quickly realized I needed to go down the rabbit hole of why I never really allowed myself to believe it before. *Cue internal panic the moment you realize you need to do some soul work* I started to wonder why I didn’t fully hear people when they said they missed me, and trust me I wanted so badly to shut that door and pretend like I never realized any of this, but I knew I had to open it and walk right into the discomfort. I sat with it, internally talking to myself as I usually do, questioning the statements I made to myself. I asked why I never believed people who said they missed me in the past, and oh let me tell you I did not like my answer. I realized that I didn’t believe I was worthy of being missed, that my presence in the lives of others was never really that important to begin with. Now here’s the thing, I know that’s not true, I do, I’ve done so much self worth work that I know I’m wrong, but I didn’t realize there were still parts of me that I needed to work on. I might know it’s not true, but somewhere deep down I believe my presence in someone’s life is only meaningful if I actively bring value to it. If I can help them in some way, if I can repeatedly show up for them, emotionally, spiritually, physically, that is when I think I have value. And if I believed that to be true, of course when someone said they missed me, all I would allow myself to hear was that they missed what I did for them, not that they missed me because of me. Oh trust me, it was a doozy when I let myself be that vulnerable, even just with myself. I had to sit with that and unpack it and understand it and address it, so I could then be comfortable enough to share it with you. What it boils down to is realizing I still need to do some worthiness work, I really thought I had reached the finish line on that journey but maybe it’s a life long one instead of a singular destination.

While I do that I’m starting to look back on the times, recent and long ago, when the people I love said those words to me. I said them right back and meant it with every part of me, and yet it’s taken this long to allow myself to feel it in return. It’s a little overwhelming. When I tell someone I miss them, like when I told Taylor that night, I felt it so strongly, I still do, how much I missed just being near here. So when I start to think that maybe, just maybe, all of the wonderful people I love felt the same way when they said it to me, it’s enough to make your heart want to burst from the love. It almost feels impossible. But it’s not. Through this experience I remembered that we’re all telling each other we miss and love each other so often, that doesn’t change just because sometimes it’s a little hard to hear it. I’m going to keep working on believing the people I love when the tell me they miss me, it won’t just suddenly fall into place over night but it’s definitely worth working on. If you’ve ever struggled like me to believe people when they share their love with you, I hope you’ll work on accepting it, no matter how uncomfortable it feels in the beginning. Something tells me, it’s absolutely worth it.