I Never Thought Being Unemployed Would Be A Challenge

I decided a few months ago that I would try to take a year off from work. I had been working 16-18 hour days for months and was losing sight of who I was. Every time I felt distant with my soul because of the long hours I was putting in, I kept reminding myself, “This is just who you are, you are someone who has always loved to work,” as if that was supposed to bring some sort of comfort. Yes, from a very young age I have always genuinely enjoyed working, that much is true, but over the course of a year I had let go of the other pieces of me. I love spending time with family and friends, I love going on adventures, I love reading new books and re-watching old movies, and my long hours had taken that away from me. I was starting to hate trips to the grocery store (I owned a bakery, and was making daily trips at this point) which was always the one place that filled me with excitement at all the possibilities. I was losing who I was. One morning I decided I was done, it had all been too much; I wanted to LIVE, I wanted to get who I was back and losing her wasn’t worth it. I made the decision to close the bakery and take some time for me, I was going to read books and watch the ever growing list of movies I had missed out on. I was going to spend time with friends and cook for my family, and I was going to travel! I was going to take a year off and it was going to be amazing. In short, it has been amazing. I have done every single thing I set out to do with my time off and I am looking forward to the next few months of continuing along the same path. What I never expected was the daily fight I would have with myself. Every morning I wake up and I am grateful for the nonexistent stress of worrying about whether or not we have the daily supplies we might need for the bakery. Every morning I wake up and think to myself, “What would I like to do today?” over my morning coffee. I won’t lie, most days I scroll through Pinterest, watch Netflix, read my book, cook dinner, and play with my cat. (Mainly because every day can’t be an adventure when you’re not making any money.) So the days when I don’t plan to see my friends or family, or haven’t planned some sort of day out, I spend that day in my house alone. And I love it. I truly do! I love reading magazine articles and mailing cards to friends. I love organizing my closet and washing my curtains. I love having long texting conversations with friends while they are at work, and going to the gym with my brother (which in all honesty I should probably do more often). I love all of it. Yet multiple times throughout the day I spend wondering whether I should be doing something more productive with my day. Should I be looking for a job already? Should I be cleaning and organizing the house even more than I am? Maybe I should be helping the neighbors somehow? Or volunteer work? It always comes down to the same question, shouldn’t I be doing more? I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way, we are somehow prewired to believe that if we are not constantly moving than we should feel guilty. A day off every once and awhile is fine, but multiple days in a row? Well isn’t that just bordering on laziness? This is my constant fight. I strongly believe in self-care; I think everyone should take the time for themselves that they need so they feel at peace within themselves. Then why am I so hard on myself? People keep asking, “So what have you been up to?” they aren’t being mean or sarcastic, they are simply curious as to what exactly someone would do with the kind of free time I have had lately. I always reply the same, “Oh I’ve been spending time with family and friends, reading and relaxing;” and I always receive the same answer, “I wish I could take the time to do that!” Every single person says this to me. I know I am incredibly lucky; I know that many people cannot afford the luxury of taking time off. Then shouldn’t that mean I should be more appreciative of the time I have? I genuinely hope to never be unemployed again, so I should enjoy the time I have free from guilt, right? Every day my family comes home and asks, “How was your day? Did you do anything?” and if my answer does not include the completion of laundry or dinner or some other task I feel as if I am letting them down in a way. It needs to stop. We all need to stop doing this to ourselves! We should be able to spend our time however we choose without being hard on ourselves. We need to stop feeling guilty for watching Netflix for hours as if we committed some sort of crime. The truth is, sometimes I don’t want to think about what’s going on in the world, so I rather watch multiple episodes of Once Upon A Time and forget about everything else for a while. Some days I want to lay in bed and completely lose myself in a book, without feeling guilty that another day went by that I didn’t do the laundry. So if you’re anything like me, and you want to take care of yourself but feel guilty when you do, remember that you deserve to take whatever time you need to be at peace within yourself. It’s not easy, I know it’s not, but being a little easier on yourself is always worth it, and if you find yourself feeling bad for taking care of YOU, reach out to me and I will help you remember all the times you were there for another. I will help you remember that you should be your very own best friend and comfort yourself whenever you need it, and in whatever form it comes, even if that means turning off your phone and opening the book that’s been collecting dust on your shelf for years now. I hope you’ll take my advice, because I’m going to try and take it as well.