I made a plan. It hasn't really worked out.

Is there anything worse than when something you’re looking forward to, turns out completely different than you expected? Ok maybe that’s a tad dramatic, but that doesn’t make it any less disappointing. Moving back to New Jersey has been so much harder than I could have predicted. I was living in Austin and enjoying a life that I loved when Covid hit, and like everyone else it shook my world upside down. I temporarily lost my full-time job, and my responsibilities at my other job became almost non-existent overnight. Suddenly I found myself applying for unemployment and staring at the walls of my apartment, realizing just how quiet a life of living alone could be. I started out great, always aware of my mental health I decided to only binge watch the “good and happy” shows, which for me was Schitts Creek, New Girl, and The Good Place (highly recommend all three by the way), I ordered a few puzzles and started devouring books. If I was going to be stuck at home then I would make the most of it! That lasted about two weeks, I was still unemployed, freaking out about paying my upcoming rent, and angry that my job had let me go and somehow tried to make it seem my fault. Honestly, it’s not worth going over the specifics because it’ll just make me mad again. I started questioning my career choices, if I was being completely honest with myself, the only reason I had stayed at the two jobs I was working, was because I loved the people I worked with. They were a huge part of my Austin family and even on our longest days, you could find us laughing over a long list of ridiculous things, but was that ever really enough to stay somewhere that wasn’t fulfilling? I was realizing the answer was no, and started to think about what other profession I would enjoy, when a few weeks later I got the call saying that if I wanted, I could come back to work. At this point, I was on six weeks with no income whatsoever and no unemployment, I felt financially trapped and I knew my only option was to say yes. I went back to work, and I was definitely not happy about it. I started thinking more seriously about my future, I always knew that I would one day move back to New Jersey, but I kept thinking “maybe five more years and then I’ll head back home.” As I was considering what my future could look like if I went down a different career path, life did what it always does when we think we know it all, it reminds us that we can’t solely live for the future, when the people we love are in the present and we don’t know how much longer we’ll have with them. I found myself on a plane coming home to say a final goodbye to someone I loved, and who meant everything to my sister. Being reminded of how fragile and unexpected life is did something to all of us in my family, and on my last day in New Jersey I found myself talking to my brother about my plans for the future. I told him about my possible five year plan in Austin, when only a few minutes later I became aware of a job opportunity, I say “a job opportunity” but I should really be saying “THE job opportunity,” it was the job I had been secretly hoping for, with the company I was completely obsessed with, oh and the kicker? They were looking for people in what would be their brand new, New Jersey office. Niko jumped at the opportunity to tell me I was ridiculous for not taking this chance, he made every single positive argument for me to apply when all I could think about was, “but wait, I was supposed to live in Austin for five more years.” I knew I couldn’t deny what he was saying, everything made sense and he was right, but it was definitely one of those moments when my gut already knew the answer, and my brain was just trying to catch up. My brain went through every single “but what about?” in record time, when he hit me with a very simple statement, “Chris, we’re losing time” and I knew exactly what he meant. We were best friends living on opposite ends of the country for four years now and life was only going to keep speeding up. I could spend the next five years living somewhere else, losing time with my brother, with my family, or I could take the chance and move back home. I told him I needed to think about it, but when I boarded that plane back to Texas, a part of me knew I was heading back to pack up my life and say goodbye to Austin, something only a few days earlier I could have never seen coming.

My best friend Sarah says I usually make a decision and then move full speed ahead, and she’s definitely not wrong. In just a few short days I had already applied for the position I wanted, and received a promising email in response, I was looking for apartments in New Jersey and trying to decide what in my current apartment I would keep, and what I would let go of. I had made a plan and I was taking this leap of faith that it was all going to work itself out. My lease was coming to an end, and I would move back to New Jersey, I would stay with my family for a few months while I got myself situated, and then move into a space of my own, starting my new life. Well, I’ve been in New Jersey for four months now and nothing has gone according to plan. The job that I believed was a large possibility, disappeared, suddenly a New Jersey office was no longer on the table for the company I was hoping to work for. At first I stayed optimistic thinking, okay well that’s just one job opportunity, I’m sure I could find another. At the same time I was also trying to decide on the best living situation for myself on a more permanent basis. I was looking at apartments and the cost of rent competed with the cost of most mortgages in New Jersey. With the same amount I would be spending on renting a two bedroom apartment, I could be paying the mortgage on a three bedroom home, and so the wheels in my brain started turning. If I knew I was in the state I wanted to settle down in, what was preventing me from planning on a more permanent living situation? I got excited thinking about becoming a home owner, and my brain ran away with itself. The new plan would be to get a job, and stay with my family long enough to save up for a down payment. Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have them and their support? Truly, the luckiest. Honestly, that’s still the plan, except it hasn’t happened yet. Every day I search through new jobs and as the last of my finances runs dry the stress grows higher and higher. In my darkest moments I think the worst, I yell at myself for making the choices that put me in this position, for not saving more before, for moving sooner than I had planned. I tell myself I’m crazy for thinking this could work, I question who I think I am to believe things would work out in my favor. Is anyone else more cruel to themselves than they would ever be to another human being? Because I know I am. In those moments I knock myself so far down I doubt I’ll ever get up, but I always do. Somehow, some way I always come out on the other side, and I try to show myself the love and understanding I would give to someone else. When that happens here is what I come up with, I took a chance, a chance that has not been as easy as I thought it would be, but a chance that is in no way, shape, or form over. I think we get so wrapped up in the timeline of things, thinking “well it’ll take me two months to do this, and by then I can do that, and from there I’ll be able to do this other thing,” we’re making plans that don’t always intend to pan out. Which is pretty much what Covid taught us, and a large reason why I moved, recognizing this and using it as the catalyst to reunite with my family. So I decided to move and I made a plan, and it pretty much blew up in my face. Now I’m thirty four, living in my childhood bedroom with my cat wondering where the hell did it all go wrong? Except maybe it didn’t. I really have no idea how this is all going to work itself out, clearly I need to start making money soon, and who knows how long it’ll take for me to come up with the down payment for a house, but that’s my goal and I’m sticking to it. For now it’s hard, and some days I question who I think I am to aim for a future so bright, but it’s what I want, and at the end of the day I always work hard to get what I want, if I don’t have it yet, that just means the story isn’t finished yet.

Maybe if you’ve read this far along, you’re thinking about a time you took a chance that ended up looking completely different from how you thought it would, or maybe you’re in a situation pretty similar to mine. Like I said at the beginning of all of this, Covid turned all of our lives upside down, but maybe in some ways, it’s all been for the best. Yes, I’m stressed and frustrated and missing Austin something fierce, but I get to hug my mom every chance I get and eat good food with my dad. I hope if you’re in a situation that looks nothing like you could have imagined, that there’s something you can hold onto that makes it all worth it. Maybe it’s simply knowing that our stories aren’t over yet, and one day our futures can still look exactly like the ones we planned. Until then, I’m holding onto the fact that I can see my brother whenever I want and never fear that we’re losing time.