How Old Are You Really?

In a world where acting younger than your age and getting older are both equally frowned upon, where do those of us who don’t think of age stand?

I am officially twenty nine years old, and if I am being completely honest, that means absolutely nothing to me. I am the oldest of fifteen first cousins in a family where my aunts and uncles were very young when they started getting married and having children. At my age now, my mother would have already been married for nine years with two children under the age of ten. There is something about that world, about that lifestyle that seems completely foreign to me. Since my aunts and uncles were young as I was getting older, I always felt more like their youngest sister, as opposed to their oldest niece. As more and more children in the family started being born I became the older cousin, the second mom, and in many cases the big sister. I spent most of my life split between adult conversation and cartoon shows. I overheard complaints and concerns about bills and married life, along with complaints and concerns of the dramatic life of a seven year old. I was never banished to the “kids table” like the rest of the children, but was always called over to it when my younger cousins wanted my attention. That scenario, feeling privileged to be welcomed into a space most children dreamed of, while being beckoned by the cousins I loved, to join them in the space I felt I equally belonged, is very much how I have spent my life.

Having spent much of my time involved in adult conversation, I understand the value of hard work and how you will never get what you want unless you actively pursue it. I understand that you will never have enough money for a wedding, a house, or even children, you simply have to jump in with both hands in the air ready for the wild ride. Through these interactions, I understand how important it is to make peace with the traumas of your childhood, or they will haunt you when you are older. I have learned that marriage is a compromise, and long after the vows have been said and the bills of everyday life start to pile up, you are going to need someone who is your partner in life, not just someone you fancy.

I have learned that regardless of my age, I have an old soul.

Being the oldest of fifteen cousins I haven’t forgotten that most of life’s problems can be made better by hot chocolate with marshmallows, and how sometimes all you really need is a hug from your mom. I have learned the importance of an impromptu dance party in your bedroom when you are home on a friday night. My cousins taught me that you are never too old to try and swing higher or slide down faster on the playground, and that you will never be too old to ask your dad his opinion, especially since he is very rarely wrong. Because of them, I understand that regardless of how old someone is, the problems they face are their entire world, whether or not you can relate to them anymore.

I have learned that regardless of my age, I have a young heart.

Some mornings I wake up, instantly feel how stiff my body is and wonder if I secretly aged thirty years in my sleep. As the day continues I laugh at the same jokes most twelve year old boys find hilarious, and worry about the ones I love as I would assume a new mother does. I run my business with equally, a hopeful optimism found in most children and a seriousness usually allotted to those who have lived a very long life. I typically drink strong coffee as if I was someone in their early twenties studying for an exam, to then follow it with hot tea as though my soul needed calming. I run and play and climb trees as if I were a teenager and end my days curled up on the couch watching my favorite show as if I were in my forties. I am very rarely the same age from one minute to the next, so while I will admit I do love the idea of getting older and eventually seeing how my life and appearance will change over the years, it very rarely means something more to me like it does for so many.

So I will end this by saying; today I am twenty nine years old and I am grateful to have lived this beautiful life of mine for that long, and I hope I will never be too young to understand heartbreak or too old to smile at a milk mustache.