Finding A Positive Body Image In Downward Dog

My mother liked to keep my brother and I involved in different activities while we were growing up, I think it was her way of keeping us active while also keeping us out of trouble. By the time I graduated high school I had spent most of my life dancing, learning all different forms from ballet to tap to jazz, even a little bit of hip hop. Aside from dancing, my brother and I did gymnastics, karate, soccer, volleyball, basketball – you name it and we had probably tried it and continued it for a few years after that. We were those kids who had practice after school all week long and games/recitals on the weekends, and we loved all of it. We were never bored, and I think now that is something I didn’t understand was a blessing while I was growing up.

Like most high school graduates, the moment college started I replaced all of my hours spent practicing a sport with late night, junk food-filled study sessions and never-ending hours at a part-time job. Add on a year of commuting into New York City to attend culinary school which had me up at four in the morning and getting home at seven in the evening, and before I knew it I was in the worst shape of my life.

I knew it, and deep down I believe my friends and family knew it, but no one including myself wanted to admit it. It was only once I started working full time and had somewhat of a set schedule with work I tried going to the gym and working out. The treadmill was not my friend (honestly, we still aren’t on speaking terms) – I would go weeks where I could run every day on it, but before I knew it my shin splints would get so bad that I would be at work the next day in pain and I would immediately become discouraged with that workout. I tried at-home DVDs – if you can think of one then I probably tried it: Tai-Bo? A kickboxing workout DVD? Bollywood Dance? A DVD geared to teach you some of the most beautiful dancing you will ever see, yup I tried that one! Walk Your Way To Thin? A DVD geared at teaching you how to walk in place to achieve a better body (not quite sure what I was thinking with that one) – yup, I did that too. Zumba? Some of the most fun I have ever had dancing, but still not enough to achieve the goals I was looking for.

I tried it all and the more I tried, the more I became discouraged believing that I would never reach a point where I was at peace with my body. As many women, and more men than we give them credit for know, we have all had body image issues at some point in our lives. We have all experienced a moment where we have looked at someone else and thought “I wish I was more like that.” I could sit here and try to blame different outlets for making us think this way, but what is the point in that? The damage is already done, and I believe it’s our duty to ourselves to fix what was broken so many years ago: our sense of a positive image in the one body we will be granted in this life.

I was determined to fix this within myself but I didn’t know where to begin, so I sat down and thought long and hard about what my goal was. Did I just want to be skinny? Did I long for flat abs and muscular arms? Was it all about reaching a smaller size in my clothing? The more I thought about it, the more I realized the answer to all of those questions was no. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be healthy, and I wanted more than anything to live the kind of life that would allow me to play football with my grandchildren when I was seventy.

I started thinking about what could help me on this journey, (like I said previously, my treadmill and I are still not speaking to each other). Due to trying so many different forms of exercise I knew exactly what I didn’t like when it came to working out – I absolutely hated that feeling where your lungs were burning because you were completely out of breath and you felt like you couldn’t get enough air into your body. I know this moment is when so many people who love to workout feel the most alive, but this was always the moment when I felt the closest to dying. I also knew that it would have to be something I could do anywhere since owning my own business doesn’t always allow time for trips to the gym. The more I thought about it, the more one answer kept coming back around: yoga.

One of my employees kept telling me about a yoga studio her mother owned, and how everyone from beginners to experts were welcome in her classes. And that is how I found myself, the night before my first class, packing my bag with a hundred different thoughts running through my head of “What if I can’t do any of the positions?” “What if I fall?” What if when I fall, I split my yoga pants and have to run out of the classroom holding my pants together while everyone is laughing?” I finished packing my bag with my Target brand yoga pants and sports bra, somehow believing that the moment I walked in, everyone would instantly know that I did not belong there, and fell asleep with anxiety in my heart.

The memory of walking into the Gratitude Yoga Studio for the first time is something I hope I never forget: it was quiet, and I mean the most relaxing, calming form of quiet I am sure I will ever experience. Everyone greeted me with a smile and people talked in hushed voices. I placed my items in a small cubby and walked into the classroom with my yoga mat and water bottle, surprisingly at ease. Everyone sat on their mats quietly chatting and lightly stretching whilst waiting for Gemma, our instructor to come in. As soon as she walked through the door everyone’s eyes lit up and it was made clear that this woman was someone deeply loved by her students, and as she greeted everyone with a warm welcome and a gentle hug it was obvious that she loved them as well.

Her daughter had told her that I was planning to take her class that day so as soon as she laid eyes on me she came over and embraced me in one of the most gentle hugs I have ever experienced, that for a second I swear I believed she was a unicorn – how else can you explain someone so magical? She explained that while she needed to keep the poses at the level more experienced students were accustomed to, I should never feel embarrassed or ashamed to revert back to a simpler pose until I felt ready to join in again. The class began with her lighting incense and asking everyone to sit on their mats and bring their hands to their chest, and she asked us to think of who we would be dedicating our practice to. At first I didn’t understand what she meant – luckily, she began to give examples. She told us to think of those we have met, those we love, anyone that might be going through a difficult time or anyone that could simply use a little extra love and some positive energy sent their way, even if that meant ourselves. I took a deep breath and as I released it, I thought of someone I had recently met who I knew would become a close friend, and dedicated my practice that day to them and our new friendship.

The poses started and at first I was easily able to keep up. Gemma explained each pose and what exactly our bodies needed to be doing in that moment to help hold the pose or achieve the maximum benefits. As time went, on the poses became more difficult and I would be lying if I said that more than once I didn’t revert back to a simpler pose before I picked up with the class again. However, something happened which I was never expecting – my body was beginning to change right in front of me. At the beginning of the class I could barely touch my toes, and halfway through I was able to wrap my arms around my legs and bring my head to my knees. In certain poses where the majority of my weight was on my arms I could feel my muscles shaking, trembling through the workout that they were receiving and I felt them becoming stronger with each passing second. I realized in these moments that my body was capable of so much more than I ever thought it could be, that I needed to be gentle with it and I needed to love it for all of the places it had already taken me, and the places I would one day reach because of it.

At the end of class in final resting pose (the one where you lay on the floor, focus deeply on your breathing and sometimes even fall asleep) Gemma walked around with oils rubbed onto her palms and came to each one of us individually, rubbing her hands onto the temples of our foreheads, encouraging us to breathe in deeply and allow our body to rest. As she went from student to student she reminded us to love our bodies and be grateful for all they were able to accomplish during the class, encouraging us to keep that feeling with us at all times and remember that we are all connected, and should feel grateful for each other. She then went on to say something that has stayed with me since: “May the light in me, always see the light in you.“ What a beautiful thought, that each and every one of us has light inside of us, and we should always let that part of ourselves see the light in those around us.

Once class was over, I rolled up my mat, said my goodbyes and headed for my car. The moment I started driving home, the tears started flowing. I was crying for the beautiful moment I had just experienced, I was crying because I was in awe of what my body was able to accomplish, and most of all, I was crying for the thirteen year-old girl who still lived deep down inside of me, believing that her body would never be enough. Two days later, I was back in that class and ready to be reminded of what my body was capable of again.

Since then, I try to make it to class as often as I can. Some weeks I can make it there three times, other times I go weeks without being able to attend a single class. However, during those weeks I can still remember what I learned that very first class and the impact it has had on my life ever since. Our bodies are capable of so much more than we could ever have imagined, and they deserve our unconditional love.

It took me twenty eight years to reach a point in my life where I was proud of the body I live in – not because it has reached a specific weight or pant size, but because of its strength, and there is a certain kind of magic that comes along with loving and accepting it. So here I am, telling you, do not give up on the journey to love your body. I know it seems helpless at times, and it is incredibly easy to feel discouraged, but the possibility of reaching a place of acceptance and pride in your body is possible. And when you are having one of those moments where it seems like it will never happen, simply remember that at the very least, the light in me will always see the light in you.