A Letter To Myself

Hey,

I know it seems weird that I would be writing you a letter, but as you know life seems easier to explain once I put it into words, so here we go.

You are happy, happier than I have seen you in a long time, and in this moment right here, you are happy because of you, because of a choice you have made for yourself and no one else. I have never seen you this excited about life and where you’re headed, which is HUGE.

But I know you, and you’re not just happy, there’s this part of you that feels guilty. And you’ve buried it so deep that you barely let yourself acknowledge that it’s there; and since I know you better than anyone, I think it’s time we talked about this.

For as long as both of us can remember there have been two personas attached to who you are. The adventurer and the nurturer. Your teachers always called you the “Mother hen” of the class, always making sure everyone around you was ok, and you were dreaming of faraway lands filled with people you had never met with funny accents. Your friends always told you, “I don’t know what I would do without you,” and you were wondering how long would a cross country road trip be and if your winter coat was warm enough for ice fishing in Alaska. Your family always said, “your brother is the one who is going to travel the world, but you’ll always be the one to stay behind and take care of us,” and you were wondering what it would feel like to buy a one-way ticket to somewhere you had never been before.

Two personas attached to one person, and the two sides have been at odds with each other for so long.

You have wanted to leave for as long as I can remember, to pick up and go somewhere completely new where no one knows who you are, and see the kind of life you could build for yourself. You have wanted adventure, and you’re finally giving it to yourself!

And yet, if you’re being honest, you will say that the guilt you have been burying is slowly rising and it’s a feeling you’re having a hard time controlling. You feel guilty because your parents gave you a wonderful life and you’re leaving them behind. You feel guilty because you’re going on an adventure and you didn’t ask your brother to come with you. You feel guilty because your younger cousins are still becoming who they’re meant to be and you’re walking away from them. You feel guilty because your wonderful friends will have to put on a brave face and pretend like it isn’t bothering them. You feel guilty for all of the birthdays, date nights, and possibly even holidays you will miss. You feel guilty because you have a great life, and still you have the nerve to say, “I want more.” You feel guilty because you know all of this, and yet you are still going.

I understand the feelings you are struggling with, because I know you have seen how sad this decision is making so many people who love you, and you are moving forward with it because you believe it will make you happy, and somehow, you’re ashamed of that.

I understand the feelings you are struggling with because I see you. Maybe no one else does, but I see all that you are feeling and I am here to tell you that it’s ok. It’s ok to want more, it’s ok to pursue the life you want and to go after it on your own terms. Your family and your friends will be sad, this is something no one can do anything about. But I can promise you this, there will be a moment, maybe a phone call where you tell your parents about the beautiful sunset you are watching, or a solo hike on a new path that turns into a video chat with your brother because you feel he has to see the view you are seeing. There will be a moment like this, where their sadness will turn to happiness for you and what you have accomplished for yourself, and by then all of this guilt you are feeling will have already washed away.

I know right now you can’t imagine this guilt disappearing, but that’s why I’m here, to tell you that I forgive you for wanting more. I forgive you for deciding that a life somewhere else might make you happier than a life standing still. I forgive you for hoping that you will love every single moment of it all. I forgive you because in the end, there is nothing to forgive. You are deserving of every happiness this world can give you and I am proud of you for chasing after it.

Love always, Me