Fear

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about fear, my friend Kentace and I grabbed coffee a few weeks ago and while talking about life she said something to me that completely caught me off guard, she said, “That’s why I admire you so much, you’re fearless.” I instantly thanked her for the compliment and we continued talking about everything and anything, but I kept hearing that word in the back of my head, “fearless.” Two days later I was still wondering if that was how my family and friends saw me, as someone without fear. I wondered because I have always been, and will most likely always be, someone who lives their life in fear. I’m afraid of moments that might not happen in my life and a few that I know will, I’m afraid of losing my family and friends, I’m afraid of somehow losing my time to chase after my dreams. Simply put, I’m almost always scared that I’m going to wake up sixty years from now, look back on my life and wish I had done more. It’s a fear that follows me every single day, that when I am 90 years old I will think to myself, “Where did the time go? And why didn’t I do more with it? Why didn’t I love more? Travel more? Read more? or Eat more delicious foods?”

We’re all afraid of something and everywhere I turn I see people trying to overcome those fears, but personally, I think a little fear is a good thing. As they say in The Good Dinosaur, “Listen up kid, you can’t get rid of fear. It’s like mother nature, you can’t beat her or outrun her but you can get through it. You can find out what you’re made of.” Acknowledging my fear has helped push me down every single path I was always almost too scared to go down, because the moment I felt my stomach lurch in fear I knew it was something that could help me grow as a person. I was scared to not just tell my parents that I had dropped out of college to pursue a career in the culinary arts, but to actually go forward and do it. I was scared to then leave the restaurant life and pursue baking, I was scared to take over a business I love, and even more scared to close that business when it didn’t suit me anymore. I have been scared to fall in love and scared to bring new friends into my life, and I have been scared, truly scared to open up my heart and let you all in through my writing, because being scared has always meant that there was something to lose, but “Sometimes you gotta get through your fear to see the beauty on the other side,” and it has always been the most beautiful sight. Every time I came out on the other side of my fear my life was richer and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined and I was grateful that I did it. Have there been times when my exact fear in a given situation has come true? Yes. But you want to know the beauty in those moments too? I survived. I have had my heart shattered and lost loved ones, I have fallen on my face more times than I sometimes like to admit and I have been forced to ask for help more than I have ever felt comfortable with, and I am still breathing, still learning, still dreaming, and still completely in love with my life.

I know life can be scary, we only get one, but that’s why it’s so precious, if it lasted forever we wouldn’t be so scared to waste it. The goal is, to know that you aren’t alone in your fears, we’re all scared, but if we choose to push past it and live the fullest lives we can, maybe one day we can look in the mirror and remind ourselves that being fearless doesn’t just mean living without fear, it means being bold and brave enough to live, because as they say in what is obviously my new favorite movie, “If you ain’t scared, you ain’t alive.”